A couple of weeks back, I went through a little dip, a dark and stormy low.
It happens to me on occasions. And like I mentioned in a previous post, I should have seen it coming.
The sign-posts were there. I should have seen it coming.
I should have been prepared.
But I was peaking in a manic episode. I was feeling on top of the world.
What could go wrong?
Usually when my birthday starts coming up, I start preparing for potential blues.
But my fortieth went so well.
I averted mid-life crisis. I downplayed expectations even though I had a blowout of a party and traveled from Nicaragua to Paris to back in LA.
Why would 45 throw me for a loop?
It's just a number, a silly day. It shouldn't have been any different than any other day.
But it was.
Things got dark. And I spiraled.
I intellectually knew things would get better. I knew that the clouds would pass.
I knew things would get better.
But I couldn't convince myself of it at the time, even though I knew it and believed it in my core.
I also knew that the storm was going to rain and batter down on those closest to me.
And even though I knew this, in the end I couldn't prevent the hurt and damage that incurred.
And that is the hardest part.
I am lucky to have family and friends that have compassion, understanding, and believe in forgiveness.
I am so fortunate to have these people in my life.
I don't mention people by name very often in my blog. I am unsure of the ethics and such, but today I want to give a shout out and huge thank you to those who help me through the storms, who are there with me until I can see clearly again.
Thank you All.
Cindy and Skye of course are at the top of the heap.
They are both my core and are in it through thick and thin. They, to put it in cheesy cinematic terms, complete me.
And then in no particular order: Jennifer, Loren, Theresa, Taylor, John, Kathleen, Brady, Bhan, Lisa, Bradley, Kip, Patricia, Eugenio, Emily, Steven, Tim, Markus, Julia, Mara, Larry, Charles,
I am sure there are more and I'm sorry if it slipped my mind.
Hugs and an outpouring of love to all of you.
And Thank You
A Journey Begins with a Single Step
I have done a lot of thinking since that episode.
I have cut out caffeine completely. Good-bye Red Bull.
I was even taking diet pills to boost my metabolism. Oh silly vanity. No more Hydroxycut for me.
I cut out alcohol for a couple of weeks as well. And now enjoy in moderation.
And good-bye to crap candy, cheap hot dog and the like . 7-11 is no friend of mine.
And even though I am clear and level headed right now, I know that even with these lifestyle changes, the mood changes might happen. So I am doing research into various drug treatments and alternative therapies. I am not foolish or naive in thinking that all is well because I feel good right now. Because right now I can't imagine feeling the way I did.
But right now life is good. And I am happy and hopeful and grateful.