I have never been officially diagnosed for a mental condition and honestly, I don't know what that might accomplish. I have no intention on taking medication. I don't trust most experts. And one more label, well.....
I am well aware how many people who suffer from various forms of depression, mania and other sorts of mental disorders would have said something rather similar. After years on the roller-coaster, I know that my moods and cycles don't fall into the parameters of "normal".
I have read about and researched mental disorders. And having lived with myself after all these years I have gotten better at dealing with me.
I can't control the mood swings, but sometimes I can see the signs that I might be in for one of my episodes. When I do think that I am on a down-cycle as it were, I try to avoid people, get some exercise, avoid caffeine and alcohol and get plenty of rest.
And above all, know that it will pass.
I usually don't see it coming until its too late.
And that's when it gets ugly.
Sometimes I fight my depression with anger. I am not fun to be around then.
Sometimes I see no way out and no reason to look for a way out.
Sometimes I think that a little alcohol will take the edge off, or a bit more might induce sleep and I'll wake up on the other side of the bed.
Sometimes I get into bed and can't come up with a good reason to ever get up.
There is usually a good amount of self-loathing which can come across as self-pity which it might be.
I try to put on a good face around Skye, but that is all but impossible and that is what hurts me most.
When I begin to get a grip on what's going on, I can usually turn it around fairly quickly, depending on the carnage I may have left behind.
These days I have gotten better about breaking things, although things still do get shattered, just not as often or as much.
Yesterday, I ranted a bit on facebook and lost more than a few "friends". I have gotten better at unplugging computers and phones when the dark clouds start to form, but like I said sometimes I don't see it coming until I'm in the thick of it.
I woke up and contemplated leaving facebook, shutting down this blog, re-thinking everything. Maybe Cindy and Skye would be better off if I just left. I am toxic.
But I let time pass.
I went outside and sat in the chill of the foggy marine layer and realized I would be okay.
I would start back slowly. Maybe fold some clothes, clean some dishes.
I ended up writing this. It's my therapy.
Things are getting better.
I am smiling.